Welcome to the Machine
20 (Requires 19)
Hand out 3 Quests.
- First Quest Dispensed
- Second Quest Dispensed
- Third Quest Dispensed
Come in here dear <boy/girl>, have a cigar. You're gonna go far and fly high as a ranking officer of the Forsaken. Yes, indeed, this is the good life and you are going to live it!
I want you to take these orders and dispense them to the lowly scrubs that come along looking for work. Who you give what to is wholly at your discretion.
When you're ready mount up on my trusty skeletal steed - so they don't miss you - and start living the life! Which means just stand there and wait.
How's the "desk job" coming?
So, how was it? Everything that you dreamed it would be? Exciting, no?
I can see that you're a true hero. You need action. I guess a "desk job" isn't for you.
Mount the horse and start giving out quests.
- High Executor Darthalia says: Stand tall and proud, <name>. Don't let any of these scrubs give you any trouble. Show them who's boss!
- High Executor Darthalia says: I see one coming now! Looks like a real winner. Keep it cool, <name>. Keep it cool.
- A level 19 character named Dumass walks in, saying everything in capital letters.
- Dumass says: HI! HI! HELP!
- Dumass says: HI! HI! HELP!
- "HI! I'M NEW! BIG WHITE LIGHT CREATURE WITH WINGS MADE ME ALIVE! I SERVE THE BANSHEE QUEEN! YAY!
Maybe you should go take a nap or something. I don't know if I have any work for you.
- "OK! THANKS! I'LL JUST WAIT HERE WITH YOU! THANKS! OK!"
Wait a minute. It looks like something just came up. Yes, right here on this sheet of paper. You need to head southeast to the Azurelode Mine and report to Captain Keyton. Southeast is that way *you point southeast*.
- Dumass says: NORTH! GOT IT! THANKS! BYE! THANKS!
- High Executor Darthalia says: These new Forsaken tend to be a little... um... stupid. It usually takes awhile for them to acclimate.
- High Executor Darthalia says: Oh great... not this one again. I know this orc. He's got no business being here, but since he's a bottom-feeding pansy he likes to hang around here and prey on the helpless. Don't let him bully you.
- The level 80 Kingslayer Orkus <Red Like My Rage> flies in on his frost wyrm mount, fully equipped with tier 10 gear.
- Kingslayer Orkus yells: CAN YOU SMELL WHAT THE LOK'TAR IS COOKIN'?!
- Kingslayer Orkus says: HAH! Looks like you're running out of idiots to put atop this horse, Darthalia. This is the puniest one yet.
- Kingslayer Orkus says: What have you got for me today, weakling?! Point me to where the Alliance hide and I shall DOMINATE THEM!
- "I have seen the fall of the Lich King. Creations of the titans have fallen before my mighty axe. When called upon, I alone spearheaded a victory for the Argent Crusade against the beasts of Northrend. Now, I come for the ultimate challenge. What does Hillsbrad Foothills have to offer Kingslayer Orkus???"
Um... Apparently there are bloodthirsty worgen running rampant in the south. Maybe you could help with them?
- "Bloodthirsty you say? Is there any risk of death or dismemberment to me?"
- "Then Orkus WILL DO IT! YES!"
Right, thanks. Just go ahead and head south. Far south. Probably off the coast.
- Kingslayer Orkus says: Yes, cowardly quest giver, sit atop your pale horse while Orkus brings glory to the Horde! I shall return with a thousand skulls!
- High Executor Darthalia says: Here's to hoping he never returns. Maybe he'll drown?
- High Executor Darthalia says: Ah, crap. You're on your own with this one, <name>.
- Johnny Awesome, a level 20 blood elf, rides in on a and fully equipped with heirlooms.
- Johnny Awesome says: Johnny Awesome has arrived, philistine. Present me with your menial tasks so that I may complete them with only mild enthusiasm and most likely a complete disregard for any directions that you provide that are more complicated than what my map is able to display.
- "Look at me, peasant. Heirlooms cover my body from head to toe, gifted to me by the greatest heroes Azeroth has ever known.
- Now look at yourself.
- Quickly, look back at me.
- Yes, this horse IS made of STARS.
- What pointless series of tasks befitting a mentally deficient orc have you prepared for me?"
- "Fine, fine, what else?"
- "That's all? One quest? Surely you jest. Are there not bear asses to collect? Perhaps a rare flower that I could pick from which you will make some mildly hallucinogenic tonic which you will then drink, resulting in visions of a great apocalypse? Perhaps the local populace of mildly annoying, ill-tempered gophers are acting up and need to be brought to justice? No? Nothing?"
THAT'S ALL, JOHNNY AWESOME. TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT!
- Johnny Awesome says: I will do this ONE thing that you ask of me, quest giver. Pray I find more menial tasks to accomplish or you will be hearing from me again and I assure you that my commentary on forums of public opinion will be most unkind.
This quest has a number of pop culture references:
- The quest name and the opening sentence of the quest refers to the songs "Welcome to the Machine" and "Have a Cigar" by Pink Floyd respectively.
- The "Now look at yourself. Quickly, look back at me. Yes, this horse IS made of STARS." quote by Johnny Awesome is a reference to an Old Spice commercial.
- "CAN YOU SMELL WHAT THE LOK'TAR IS COOKIN'?!" is a reference to Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson famous tagline of "Can (If) you smell what the Rock is cookin'?"
This quest is Blizzard "breaking the fourth wall" in a sense to mock some stereotypical player character types. Dumass represents the "noob": the player who is new to the game and knows little of how it works or the lore behind it, and is probably even a little overwhelmed by it all. Orkus is the bored end-gamer, one who has accomplished pretty much everything in terms of end-game content and is now mindlessly (and effortlessly) doing low-level quests and griefing "lowbie" opposition player characters. He may also represent those who have purchased accounts through an auction site on the internet or used a leveling service to achieve this effect. Finally, Johnny Awesome is the "twink" alt character, the beneficiary of a player's main or older alts that have purchased heirloom (or rare and epic bind on equip) items to make it overpowered for its level and plow through content easily (and perhaps even having an overbearing sense of entitlement in the process). Darthalia, meantime, is the poor, set-upon quest giver that has to put up with these types all day, every day, and the player is now getting to see what it is like from her perspective.
Introduction and Azurelode Mine
Ruins of Southshore
Patches and hotfixes
- Hotfix (2011-09-09): "When a player exits the Skeletal Steed vehicle in Welcome To The Machine, all quest NPCs will now despawn."
- Patch 4.0.3a (2010-11-23): Added.